Dear Diary, where is the baby?

My usual cleaning pattern is pretty simple. Start to clean >  find something I haven’t seen in years (pictures, etc) > sit on the floor to reminisce > reminisce til I get bored > ignore the area I planned to clean > move on with my life.

For the last month or so I’ve been in a cleaning spree…which nicely translates into “walking down memory lane while simultaneously ignoring all of the crap in the extra bedrooms”.  One of the recent gems I discovered was a journal from our first few years of marriage. 

If you ever wondered if I had a boring life, wonder no more. It is a yawner. I wrote the thing and struggled to keep my eyes open while reminiscing. Except for these two topics:

  1. My grandma. She died while I was keeping the journal…so I have a lot of stories about her and how much I missed her
  2. Trying to get pregnant

Looking back, I was ridiculously naive. I remember planning for a spring baby so I could put the baby in a bonnet for Easter Sunday.

Saturday, 3/2/01 “<Insert confidential name> and I talked about a baby. They said I am working myself up and that I am making it worse that it really is”

Monday, 9/1/01 “We went antique shopping and I bought a silver lamp for the nursery, It is great!” My plan was to save it and open it when I got pregnant. I bought the lamp 16 years ago. I just opened the box when I bought our new house.

Sunday, 12/23/01 “I am 33, 34 in 7 months. If I don’t get pregnant immediately, we are going to get into the 35 year old danger zone. I told Craig I wouldn’t try to get pregnant after 35”. This wasn’t true. I breezed right through 35 and we kept trying.

Saturday, 9/7/02 “I told <Migraine Doctor> we were trying and he took me off X and Y medications. I keep getting migraines now. Either try for a baby or have less headaches with no baby.” At this point in my life, I was having 18-25 migraines a month. I was told I needed to choose between getting off all of the medications (and be in debilitating migraine pain while trying to get pregnant) or stay on the medications and stop trying to get pregnant). I chose to try to get pregnant. 

Sunday, 2/3/03 “I just took another ovulation test. I haven’t looked at it yet………It seems like we have to go through so much trouble to get pregnant. I wish it would just happen”. HA HA HA HA! This was two years into trying. Ah… naive! 

Doctor visits, pregnancy tests, etc.

Tuesday, 2/11/03 “I have a doctor’s apt tomorrow at 3:45 to discuss Clomid. If you’ve never been on Clomid…lemme explain very simply. Think about the angriest you’ve ever been in your life….you want to strangle anyone who gets within 30 feet of you…there is no way that smoke isn’t coming out of your ears…..everyone is an idiot…you are questioning your sanity….and then, you are supposed to turn on Marvin Gaye if ya get my meaning. Yeah…its that sexy.

I have blocked out a LOT of things from those years. The pain of feeling like a failure and disappointment was just too great. Finding the journal was bittersweet. It brought me right back to where I was when I was writing each entry…but it also made me realize that 15 years ago I thought my life would end if I didn’t have a baby. Now I realize that my life was just beginning.


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