Tag: Pregnancy

Dear Diary, where is the baby?

Published / by sandymichelet / Leave a Comment

My usual cleaning pattern is pretty simple. Start to clean >  find something I haven’t seen in years (pictures, etc) > sit on the floor to reminisce > reminisce til I get bored > ignore the area I planned to clean > move on with my life.

For the last month or so I’ve been in a cleaning spree…which nicely translates into “walking down memory lane while simultaneously ignoring all of the crap in the extra bedrooms”.  One of the recent gems I discovered was a journal from our first few years of marriage. 

If you ever wondered if I had a boring life, wonder no more. It is a yawner. I wrote the thing and struggled to keep my eyes open while reminiscing. Except for these two topics:

  1. My grandma. She died while I was keeping the journal…so I have a lot of stories about her and how much I missed her
  2. Trying to get pregnant

Looking back, I was ridiculously naive. I remember planning for a spring baby so I could put the baby in a bonnet for Easter Sunday.

Saturday, 3/2/01 “<Insert confidential name> and I talked about a baby. They said I am working myself up and that I am making it worse that it really is”

Monday, 9/1/01 “We went antique shopping and I bought a silver lamp for the nursery, It is great!” My plan was to save it and open it when I got pregnant. I bought the lamp 16 years ago. I just opened the box when I bought our new house.

Sunday, 12/23/01 “I am 33, 34 in 7 months. If I don’t get pregnant immediately, we are going to get into the 35 year old danger zone. I told Craig I wouldn’t try to get pregnant after 35”. This wasn’t true. I breezed right through 35 and we kept trying.

Saturday, 9/7/02 “I told <Migraine Doctor> we were trying and he took me off X and Y medications. I keep getting migraines now. Either try for a baby or have less headaches with no baby.” At this point in my life, I was having 18-25 migraines a month. I was told I needed to choose between getting off all of the medications (and be in debilitating migraine pain while trying to get pregnant) or stay on the medications and stop trying to get pregnant). I chose to try to get pregnant. 

Sunday, 2/3/03 “I just took another ovulation test. I haven’t looked at it yet………It seems like we have to go through so much trouble to get pregnant. I wish it would just happen”. HA HA HA HA! This was two years into trying. Ah…..so naive! 

Doctor visits, pregnancy tests, etc.

Tuesday, 2/11/03 “I have a doctor’s apt tomorrow at 3:45 to discuss Clomid. If you’ve never been on Clomid…lemme explain very simply. Think about the angriest you’ve ever been in your life….you want to strangle anyone who gets within 30 feet of you…there is no way that smoke isn’t coming out of your ears…..everyone is an idiot…you are questioning your sanity….and then, you are supposed to turn on Marvin Gaye if ya get my meaning. Yeah…its that sexy.

I have blocked out a LOT of things from those years. The pain of feeling like a failure and disappointment was just too great. Finding the journal was bittersweet. It brought me right back to where I was when I was writing each entry…but it also made me realize that 15 years ago I thought my life would end if I didn’t have a baby. Now I realize that my life was just beginning.

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Is infertility a 3 ringed circus?

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A few years ago I gave my brother some juggling bowling pins for his birthday. Yes, we are weird like that. But I knew he could instantly pick them up and juggle like he had been doing it for years. I was right. Smooth movements, kept them in the air. Me!? I almost hurt myself just trying to wrap them.

Throughout the infertility/adoption process we met with an endless number of doctors, specialists, therapists, etc. Appointments, rescheduling, testings, appointments, etc. I can’t count the number of waiting rooms I’ve sat in…waiting to hear my name called….waiting to hear test results…waiting for someone to get all up in my lady biz-ness.  Everything was in a hurry. Then we’d wait. Then hurry. Then wait. This person was supposed to talk to that insurance company, while the other person was trying to get me in to see that person. Freaking three ringed circus. In the middle of all of it, though, I felt alone.

The silence after the appointments are over is deafening. Loneliness creeps in. For whatever reason, Craig and I didn’t share a lot about our struggles with other people. Now that I finally am talking about it, it is difficult to explain why we didn’t back then. It wasn’t a conscious decision.

It didn’t matter though. I could have talked with every person on this planet and still felt alone. It’s strange how trying to build another human being can be such a lonely process.

People’s questions and comments about trying to get pregnant often cut me to the core. No one ever meant to be hurtful. But one question at dinner, another question while at a party, another while on the phone, etc…..after a while I wanted to avoid the conversations. Because I felt like there was a huge sign pointing to me. ——> STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE THE BROKEN WOMAN RIGHT HERE!

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When you are the only one in your world wearing a formal gown and flippers, you stand out.

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During that time we were trying to survive the heartbreak of infertility, the roller coaster of treatments and a lot of other overused imagery phrases. Throw adoption classes in there and we were on a never ending merry go round. (ok. that was the last circus reference).

Why didn’t we share a lot?

  • Because then I had to stop focusing on why/how my world was collapsing and take care of someone else.
  • Not sure what to say
  • Embarrassed
  • Worried about “helpful” suggestions
  • Didn’t want to
  • Sharing information gave up control
  • Once people are involved, they are always involved

What is the right answer? I clearly have no idea. I have some friends/family who think I didn’t share enough of our struggles. I have some friends/family who never wanted to hear about it.

We never planned to the treatment and adoption discussions private…but we also never discussed how we’d communicate any of that. There were only two goals. Getting a baby. And keeping the bowling pins in the air.   

12 Days of Childlessness and 12 Days of Infertility.

Published / by sandymichelet / Leave a Comment

On the 1st day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “This bites, you’ll have no legacy”.

On the 2nd day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “What did I do wrong”

On the 3rd day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “I have empty arms”

On the 4th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me  “I will die alone”

On the 5th day of Childlessness,

my inner voice reminded me 

“FIVE PREGNANT HIGH SCHOOL GIRLSSSSSSSSS”

On the 6th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “People treat me different”

On the 7th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “I’ll never have a baby”

On the 8th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “I’m embarrassed that I’m broken”

On the 9th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “My family is small, its my fault”

On the 10th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “Am I a real woman?”

On the 11th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “Don’t look at me with pity”

On the 12th day of Childlessness, my inner voice said to me “Will I be remembered?”, “Don’t look at me with pity”, “Am I a real woman?”, “My family is small, its my fault” “I’m embarrassed that I’m broken”, “I’ll never have a baby”, “People treat me different”, “FIVE PREGNANT HIGH SCHOOL GIRLSSSSSSSSS”,  “I will die alone”, “I have empty arms”, “What did I do wrong” and “This bites, you’ll have no legacy”.

12 days of Infertility

To me, someone who is infertile has been unable to conceive a child but is still TTC (trying to conceive) and is hopeful that it will happen. 

On the 1st day of Infertility, my family asked of me “Are you pregnant? We want to see a ba-by”

On the 2nd day of Infertility, my coworkers asked of me “Have you seen a doctor?”

On the 3rd day of Infertility, my dry cleaner said to me “Stop trying it will happen”

On the 4th day of Infertility, my neighbor said to me “Adoption is an option”

On the 5th day of Infertility, my doctor said to me

“FIVE CLOMID DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSS”

On the 6th day of Infertility, my pharm tech said to me “You need to try harder”

On the 7th day of Infertility, my lady at the drive through said to me “If its meant to be you’ll have one”

On the 8th day of Infertility, my mailman said to me “Hurry, you’re getting older”

On the 9th day of Infertility, my waitress said to me “Is it you who has the problem?”

On the 10th day of Infertility, my dentist said to me “IVF could fix this”

On the 11th day of Infertility, my nail tech said to me “Why can’t you get pregnant”?

On the 12th day of Infertility, my doctor said to me “This will never happen”, “Why can’t you get pregnant”?, “IVF could fix this”, “Is it you who has the problem?”, “Hurry, you’re getting older”, “If its meant to be you’ll have one”, “You need to try harder”, “FIVE CLOMID DAYSSSSSSSSS”, “Adoption is an option”, “Stop trying it will happen”, “Have you seen a doctor?”, “Are you pregnant? We want to see a ba-by”

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This started to be a tongue in cheek blog post…but as I wrote I started remembering the unsolicited (i.e. unwelcome/unwanted/not helpful) advice I had received over the years. Add that advice to me already beating myself up and it was a constant barrage of negativity….like a partridge jumping out of the pear tree to peck the childless to death.

Others dream of visions of sugar plums dancing in their head. We dream of a child. 

Others think a Silent Night is a good thing. We think its another night without hearing a cooing baby.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Nope…………………………

We heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.