Also known as the “Wait. What?” phase. This is when the excitement of organizing the baby’s room comes to a crashing hault. And we shut down. No movement. Stare into space.  The future looks terrifying because we thought we’d already have a child. That isn’t happening…so we freeze. We stare into space. We ask questions like “Are you sure, Doctor?!” 

“The doctor should have encouraged us to do IVF earlier.” “Why is every teenager I meet pregnant but I am not?” “The lady at the adoption agency wasn’t aggressive enough in finding us a baby.” This phase can also start to impact our faith. I’ve talked to childless women who stopped going to church…..because they are mad at God.

“I promise that if I could have a child, I will never yell at [insert person] again.” “I will go back to church (or start going more)”. In this phase, we become like hostage negotiators….thinking of every possible thing we could do for the situation to end positively.

“I don’t want to go on if I can’t have a child….what is the point of living?” Depression is a part of healing…we all must go through it. Depression looks different for every person. We will drive ourselves crazy if we compare ourselves to other people and how they handled it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we are ok with childlessness…..because it still sucks. But the acceptance phase gives us permission to build a life different than what we had planned.