Tag: Law & Order

The Day that changed the world

Published / by sandymichelet / 3 Comments on The Day that changed the world

When I was a kid I dreamed that I would do something to change the world. I wanted to be one of the first female astronauts or I wanted to create a new type of math (I knew it would be called “subvision’ but didn’t get a lot further than that).

Somewhere along the way I got an inkling that those things would never happen. Strangely, my debilitating fear of heights and poor math skills never deterred me in either goal…..I was still forging forward.

At ten years, old (you know…. when I was creating new mathematical formulas), I didn’t really know what changing the world meant. Now I do.

I first met Jody Day while walking into a Cleveland hotel. We were both in town for the Not Mom Summit. She was the keynote speaker and I was the lunatic fan who ran up to her like she was one of the Beatles. For many years I had been overcome by grief…..feeling like I was immersed in pudding, drowning more every day. Then her book arrived.

Welcome. Pull up a chair.

Grab yourself a cup of tea or something stronger and make yourself comfortable.

Things are about to get a whole lot easier – Jody Day

Stalking Jody without her knowledge

The morning of her keynote she came to sit at our table. (Craig warned me to “be cool and don’t act like a goofball when you meet her”). I think Exhibit A Stalking Picture proves I didn’t listen.

She started her keynote and the room went silent. Her reputation is well known as someone who started speaking for the childless when no one else was. We were all anxious to hear what she had to say.

The numbers are staggering. Twenty percent of the women in the US will make it to their 40’s without having children. Jody acknowledged the heartbreak. “Yep. This sucks. It really, really sucks”. But then she asked the game changer. Very simply. “What’s next?” How did we want to live our lives?

Back then, I hadn’t gotten that far, honestly. I was still knee deep in refusing-to-acknowledge-cry-on-the-inside-like-a-winner grief. But, I’ll bite. How DO I want to live my life? Was the baby story going to be my only story? Was that my legacy?

She acknowledged that unwanted childlessness was painful and horrible… but she went far beyond that.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Childless Women are the biggest diversity issue HR hasn’t heard of.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Those in the room looked around inquisitively. What!? Wait. What is happening? We had all been focusing on our individual internal grief (as we should have been) that we never even realized what was happening to the collective “us”. As a society, are childless women treated differently? Do company policies uniformly impact their employees or do they lean toward benefitting those with children? She tossed out a few examples that most had never considered. Unfair utilization of PTO? Are benefits equal? Does a company contribute more money toward healthcare for a family than they do for a childless person. Is that right?

This really got those in the room spinning. Nahhhhh, this isn’t a thing, is it!?

The story, all names and characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, building or products is intended or should be inferred. <ha! This is what they put after Law & Order.

  • Susie needs to leave work at 2pm because she just learned her child broke his arm at school. She packs up her things and walks out the door…. everyone wishes her well and says “I hope little Johnny is ok”.
  • Jamie doesn’t have any children. She just bought a new house and needs to leave work at 2pm because she just learned her contractor is having an issue with her countertops.
  • A few weeks later, Susie’s son is in a holiday program at school. She needs to leave at 3 to get him dressed and ready for the evening. He will be dressed as a cow. Her co-workers say “Awwwww..a cow”
  • A few weeks later, Jamie needs to leave at 3 because she is going to meet with a decorator. Her co-workers say “Uh, why doesn’t she schedule this after work?”.
  • Susie’s daughter was accepted to cheerleader camp. Rah! Rah! Sis Boom Ba! Susie has a lot of work to do before the camp starts…buying outfits, getting lunch money for her, etc. She missed a few hours of work this week. Her son reinjured his arm and the project she’s been leading is starting to fall behind schedule. She is starting to feel overwhelmed. “We need to take Susie to lunch. She is juggling 20 things right now”.
  • Jamie started painting her kitchen and bathrooms a few weeks ago. She is still fighting with the contractor about the countertops. She missed a few hours of work this week . The project she’s been leading is falling behind schedule. She is starting to feel overwhelmed. “Jamie’s project is not on schedule. She needs to get her priorities in order. She took off a few weeks ago to go meet a decorator and now she just missed again?!”

Who is a better employee? Susie or Jamie? They’ve both missed the same amount of hours. Both of their projects are falling behind. But does your company’s leadership or the office gossipers consider these scenarios to be the same? Or….is Susie a “working mom trying to take care of her kids ” and Jamie is considered “self-centered and not a team player”.

What about this?

  • Susie sends an email “Attention company. Abby in accounting is having a baby soon. Let’s shower her with love! If everyone on this email gives $10 we can buy her the <insert random baby crap available at Babies R Us>. Yay!”
  • Jamie sends an email “Attention company. I am saving for a trip to Italy. If everyone on this email gives $10 I can buy my ticket before the rates go up! Yay!”

Huh. Not really the same, is it. Is it more socially acceptable to ask co-workers to donate to a baby gift as opposed to donating to another co-worker’s dream vacation fund? In fact, in some places (every southern place I’ve ever been) it would be considered tacky.

#

This conversation is about awareness and action. Things like the above are happening in our workplaces and it is up to us to stop it. Because we now know that childless women may get treated differently…..(In all fairness, companies may not even realize it….which is why we need to talk about it.)

This conversation is NOT about asking people to donate to childless women. If you believe it is, then either you missed the entire point or I explained it poorly. Over the years, I’ve happily donated to a zillion baby showers and bridal showers and will continue to do it.

The Day who changed the world

A great keynote will make you think differently, act differently, feel differently….expand your thinking. Jody Day is a great keynote. She has impacted countless women from around the world. And now, she will make an even bigger impact….and I am THRILLED and honored to be a part of it.

Early next year, I will join 9 other women from around the world where Jody will teach us to facilitate her Gateway-Women’s Reignite workshop. This is the same workshop I attended in February and experienced the 10 most powerful minutes of my life. This workshop had a massive impact on me and helped remove the heavy feeling I had for so long (like drowning in pudding)…and now, she wants to expand the reach and by extension, the healing. She is giving us a chance to impact other women’s lives. THIS will be our legacy.

Gateway-Women.com describes Jody Day as the Voice of the Childless in the UK. She is much more than that. She is changing the world. And, she is a pudding remover. That is a big deal, people!

I find myself getting immersed again…but this time, not pudding….but in the excitement of Living. This. Life. The childless life.

###

For more information about the Reignite Workshops or the NEWLY launched Baton Rouge Childless Women Meet Up (1st Saturday of every month), visit Gateway-Women.com.

I need therapy after group therapy. Or a drink.

Published / by sandymichelet / 3 Comments on I need therapy after group therapy. Or a drink.

There are self help groups for everything so its not a surprise to know there are self help groups for those dealing with infertility. And like other groups, these range from the ridiculous to the downright unhelpful.

It’s hard to put something so basic (like getting pregnant) into words…and it is hard for anyone to give advice if they’ve never walked in someone else’s shoes. I had already talked to people who tried to understand what I was going through.

After googling, talking to therapists, etc I found an infertility support group. I wanted to drink coffee/eat bundt cake while sitting in a circle and hearing about other people’s agony. I wanted to hear the same words come out of other people’s mouths that had been coming out of my mouth for years. I needed that validation that I was not a freak. That I was not losing my mind. And that I. Was. Not. Alone.

The first meeting I attended was at someone’s house…which I kinda appreciated. I didn’t like the idea of being in a clinical setting. (I had been in enough clinical settings….). But I wasn’t sure if I liked the idea of exposing all of my soul to someone on the same couch where they watched Law & Order in pajamas. Not a lot of other options existed, so I headed out my house and drove to someone else’s. Ready to get healed.

When I walked in the door I was most surprised by the large picture of a child in the room. Not really sure what I was expecting…but it actually stopped me in my tracks. I wouldn’t assume if I was going to my first AA meeting that there would be a picture of a bottle of scotch on the registration table. But…I was a group-therapy-virgin. What did I know!? There were a few other people there and we all tried to find a place to sit, while not making eye contact. Before any of us uttered a word we all knew we were in the same boat. We all had high hopes for the group discussion that night….but all had grown accustomed to wanting something and having it ripped from us….so we were all pretty sheepish.

The organizer tried to get us to start talking to each other while we waited for others to arrive. Then I saw the coffee cake. SCORE! So…..Yes! There was coffee! Yes! There was some type of snack. Yes! There was a circle! Well…it was furniture-arranged-in-a-kind-of-a-circle-situation that told me the tears would start a’ flowing soon. Kleenex in hand. Check! Comfy chair. Check! Coffee. Check! Let the healing begin!

The organizer sat down and told us her story. I dug my heels in ready to help her cope. And then it ended like all happy stories end…with a baby. For a minute I was really pissed. I was so happy for this stranger when I found out that her agony was finally over…but good gracious. She was talking to a room full of women who were so wired up on hormones, Clomid and disappointment. We were ready and needed to scream, cry and cuss. And now we were instantly made to feel uncomfortable. How in the WORLD could she try to make me feel better!? I blocked out everything she said after that.

We started going around the circle to tell our stories. I had no idea what to say when it was my turn. The woman to my right was next. She was familiar with the group members so had obviously been there before. Well guess what the heck she said. She came to the group that night for the sole purpose of sharing the news that she had just found out she was pregnant. Am I in the twilight zone? Yay for her. Do NOT come to this meeting to tell us that! We have to pretend we are happy for every other pregnant person in the world….at work….at family events….everywhere….and now…again…at this supposedly safe place when we are overflowing with sadness we now each feel the need to muster a squeaky congratulations.

There are a few rules about being a southern woman. Always send thank you notes. Never host a party without a theme and deviled eggs. And always say please, thank you and congratulations. I did my southern-ly duty. Then picked up my purse and headed to the door. Once inside I tried to choke back the tears while trying to not choke on the 2nd piece of coffee cake. Yes. I had two pieces. At this point I had earned it.