Tag: Jody Day

The Day that changed the world

Published / by sandymichelet / 3 Comments on The Day that changed the world

When I was a kid I dreamed that I would do something to change the world. I wanted to be one of the first female astronauts or I wanted to create a new type of math (I knew it would be called “subvision’ but didn’t get a lot further than that).

Somewhere along the way I got an inkling that those things would never happen. Strangely, my debilitating fear of heights and poor math skills never deterred me in either goal…..I was still forging forward.

At ten years, old (you know…. when I was creating new mathematical formulas), I didn’t really know what changing the world meant. Now I do.

I first met Jody Day while walking into a Cleveland hotel. We were both in town for the Not Mom Summit. She was the keynote speaker and I was the lunatic fan who ran up to her like she was one of the Beatles. For many years I had been overcome by grief…..feeling like I was immersed in pudding, drowning more every day. Then her book arrived.

Welcome. Pull up a chair.

Grab yourself a cup of tea or something stronger and make yourself comfortable.

Things are about to get a whole lot easier – Jody Day

Stalking Jody without her knowledge

The morning of her keynote she came to sit at our table. (Craig warned me to “be cool and don’t act like a goofball when you meet her”). I think Exhibit A Stalking Picture proves I didn’t listen.

She started her keynote and the room went silent. Her reputation is well known as someone who started speaking for the childless when no one else was. We were all anxious to hear what she had to say.

The numbers are staggering. Twenty percent of the women in the US will make it to their 40’s without having children. Jody acknowledged the heartbreak. “Yep. This sucks. It really, really sucks”. But then she asked the game changer. Very simply. “What’s next?” How did we want to live our lives?

Back then, I hadn’t gotten that far, honestly. I was still knee deep in refusing-to-acknowledge-cry-on-the-inside-like-a-winner grief. But, I’ll bite. How DO I want to live my life? Was the baby story going to be my only story? Was that my legacy?

She acknowledged that unwanted childlessness was painful and horrible… but she went far beyond that.

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Childless Women are the biggest diversity issue HR hasn’t heard of.

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Those in the room looked around inquisitively. What!? Wait. What is happening? We had all been focusing on our individual internal grief (as we should have been) that we never even realized what was happening to the collective “us”. As a society, are childless women treated differently? Do company policies uniformly impact their employees or do they lean toward benefitting those with children? She tossed out a few examples that most had never considered. Unfair utilization of PTO? Are benefits equal? Does a company contribute more money toward healthcare for a family than they do for a childless person. Is that right?

This really got those in the room spinning. Nahhhhh, this isn’t a thing, is it!?

The story, all names and characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, building or products is intended or should be inferred. <ha! This is what they put after Law & Order.

  • Susie needs to leave work at 2pm because she just learned her child broke his arm at school. She packs up her things and walks out the door…. everyone wishes her well and says “I hope little Johnny is ok”.
  • Jamie doesn’t have any children. She just bought a new house and needs to leave work at 2pm because she just learned her contractor is having an issue with her countertops.
  • A few weeks later, Susie’s son is in a holiday program at school. She needs to leave at 3 to get him dressed and ready for the evening. He will be dressed as a cow. Her co-workers say “Awwwww..a cow”
  • A few weeks later, Jamie needs to leave at 3 because she is going to meet with a decorator. Her co-workers say “Uh, why doesn’t she schedule this after work?”.
  • Susie’s daughter was accepted to cheerleader camp. Rah! Rah! Sis Boom Ba! Susie has a lot of work to do before the camp starts…buying outfits, getting lunch money for her, etc. She missed a few hours of work this week. Her son reinjured his arm and the project she’s been leading is starting to fall behind schedule. She is starting to feel overwhelmed. “We need to take Susie to lunch. She is juggling 20 things right now”.
  • Jamie started painting her kitchen and bathrooms a few weeks ago. She is still fighting with the contractor about the countertops. She missed a few hours of work this week . The project she’s been leading is falling behind schedule. She is starting to feel overwhelmed. “Jamie’s project is not on schedule. She needs to get her priorities in order. She took off a few weeks ago to go meet a decorator and now she just missed again?!”

Who is a better employee? Susie or Jamie? They’ve both missed the same amount of hours. Both of their projects are falling behind. But does your company’s leadership or the office gossipers consider these scenarios to be the same? Or….is Susie a “working mom trying to take care of her kids ” and Jamie is considered “self-centered and not a team player”.

What about this?

  • Susie sends an email “Attention company. Abby in accounting is having a baby soon. Let’s shower her with love! If everyone on this email gives $10 we can buy her the <insert random baby crap available at Babies R Us>. Yay!”
  • Jamie sends an email “Attention company. I am saving for a trip to Italy. If everyone on this email gives $10 I can buy my ticket before the rates go up! Yay!”

Huh. Not really the same, is it. Is it more socially acceptable to ask co-workers to donate to a baby gift as opposed to donating to another co-worker’s dream vacation fund? In fact, in some places (every southern place I’ve ever been) it would be considered tacky.

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This conversation is about awareness and action. Things like the above are happening in our workplaces and it is up to us to stop it. Because we now know that childless women may get treated differently…..(In all fairness, companies may not even realize it….which is why we need to talk about it.)

This conversation is NOT about asking people to donate to childless women. If you believe it is, then either you missed the entire point or I explained it poorly. Over the years, I’ve happily donated to a zillion baby showers and bridal showers and will continue to do it.

The Day who changed the world

A great keynote will make you think differently, act differently, feel differently….expand your thinking. Jody Day is a great keynote. She has impacted countless women from around the world. And now, she will make an even bigger impact….and I am THRILLED and honored to be a part of it.

Early next year, I will join 9 other women from around the world where Jody will teach us to facilitate her Gateway-Women’s Reignite workshop. This is the same workshop I attended in February and experienced the 10 most powerful minutes of my life. This workshop had a massive impact on me and helped remove the heavy feeling I had for so long (like drowning in pudding)…and now, she wants to expand the reach and by extension, the healing. She is giving us a chance to impact other women’s lives. THIS will be our legacy.

Gateway-Women.com describes Jody Day as the Voice of the Childless in the UK. She is much more than that. She is changing the world. And, she is a pudding remover. That is a big deal, people!

I find myself getting immersed again…but this time, not pudding….but in the excitement of Living. This. Life. The childless life.

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For more information about the Reignite Workshops or the NEWLY launched Baton Rouge Childless Women Meet Up (1st Saturday of every month), visit Gateway-Women.com.

My jaw dropped

Published / by sandymichelet / 2 Comments on My jaw dropped

It was a LOT different than I thought it would be. Looking back, I should have read the agenda for the 2 day conference a lot better. It clearly stated the event’s purpose. However, my brain decided that it would be something similar to the Gateway-Women’s retreat. I was wrong.

For the purpose of clarification….this blog defines childless as those who cannot have children (for whatever reason). Childfree describes those who have made a conscious decision not to have children.

On Friday, a childfree keynote explained the backlash she received after a 1974 interview on CBS’ 60 Minutes. She and her husband discussed their decision to not have kids. The morning after the TV show she was fired from her job, received death threats and was ostracized from her friends/family.  After realizing the footage had been edited to remove any positive references, she became an author and now in her 70’s, continues to advocate for and celebrate those who decided not to have children.

The message, though, was a little hard to take. The keynote was cheering (arms in air) about not having kids….actually celebrating….mere feet from childless women who had come to the event unsure of what they were looking for….but I don’t think this was it. She was celebrating not having the one thing that some in the room desperately wanted but couldn’t have. The more she spoke, the lower my jaw dropped.

Please understand. I have nothing against Marcia Drut Davis. I admire and applaud her for taking a stand and setting the stage for women to be able to make the choice to have kids. (After the conference I purchased her book for a friend and asked Marcia to sign it…which she happily did.)

So why was I so….so….shocked? Confused? Honestly, I think I had just geared myself up to hear a supportive talk for the childless and was surprised by the obvious lean to the childfree life.

After the keynote, 4 superstars in the childless/childfree community took to the stage for a panel discussion and a Q&A. Based on the comments and the audience participation, I guessed the room was split about 80% childfree, 20% childless. Childfree women shared their stories. More cheering. So far, nothing from the childless.

I reallyyyyyy started to question if this weekend was going to work for me. And I don’t think I was alone.

I watched the mic move throughout the room while I sipped on coffee…I initially had absolutely no plans of speaking up…….I was full from lunch and happy with the caffeine. But my heart started to break for my new childless friends who I knew had to be listening to everything I was….and who were not being acknowledged as attendees. I raised my hand, asked for the mic and started to share my thoughts (insert your surprised face here):

  1. “Yay for you if you decided not to have kids. Seriously, it is your choice….and I applaud you not having kids just because someone/society/your mother says you are supposed to have kids.”
  2. “Something was becoming very clear to me. We actually had three groups in the room: a.) The cheering childfree, b.) the childless who were well on their journey to peace (like me) and c.) those who were coming to terms with their childlessness and accepting that their life wouldn’t turn out like they’d planned. That last group was rightfully raw with emotion….and being completely ignored.”

A few random claps…and I felt like I had alienated myself from the rest of the group. Way to go, Sandy. Making friends in Cleveland….

The conference organizer, Karen Malone Wright thanked the panel then addressed the group. From the podium, she spoke directly to me with sincere concern for the childless women in the room who (at least in my mind) had previously been unacknowledged. Then….she clarified the format for us….and realized that she hadn’t done it at the beginning over the conference. The first day’s keynote was dedicated to the childfree, the second day the childless. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. That made a LOT more sense. I immediately felt better. Kudos to her for starting The Not Mom group to provide a safe space for women who (for whatever reason) do not have kids. She is passionate about making this group inclusive and protected.

After the clarification, I was flying high. And ready to meet some peeps. Ba BAM!

During the break I was lucky enough to meet women who felt the same way I had all morning….and they wanted to speak up but didn’t know what to say or, as one woman said, didn’t have the strength to say it. So…my estimation of 80% childfree, 20% childless was actually wrong. The childless were there…but just not ready to talk yet.

So….that meant that the following day was for us. And Jody Day did not disappoint.

Next Blog Post: The Super Hero of the Childless