For 99% of the week I am unbelievably happy. Great husband, great family, great job, great friends. My family is healthy, we have a roof over our head, we have food to eat and we feel safe everyday.
But for that 1% of the week when I am in complete silence and stillness I…ooooooo…..I. Am. Mad. In another post I shared that there is no explanation as to why I couldn’t get pregnant….so it just kinda hung out there…..with no answer or resolution. Medical science and all of your miracles, kiss it.
My anger is usually directed in one of two places. My body who betrayed me. And God.
Some people turn to the church in times of sorrow…I do the exact opposite. If things are rocking, then I never miss. Absolutely nothing is expected of me during that one hour a week. Except to sit. To think. To listen.
But after 15 years of sitting in church every week while horrible things were happening around me…one after another after another I started asking WHY?
Knowing my struggle Craig convinced me (after about 20 conversations), to go see The Shack….even after I realized that there were no car chases or gun battles (my two usual requirements to see a movie).
The main character, after a personal tragedy, had a lot of questions…and asked them over and over again…..
I am sure there are people who would never question God….who would never admit they are angry at God…who would think that the mere thought of either of those would send them straight to hell.
Is that right? Or wrong? I have no idea….but the movie seemed to bring me some peace….which, other than a baby, is really the only thing I’ve ever wanted.
What thing do you want more than anything else in the world (and no….LSU beating Alabama/Saban crying can’t be the thing). Imagine you want this thing (let’s say its a lamp…bad example, I know….but I need a thing) so much that you’d experience financial, emotional and physical pain until you were financially, emotionally and physically bankrupt trying to get the lamp.
Then, someone tells you that they just got a lamp and “isn’t it the worst thing in the world!?!?” “What the heck am I gonna do with another lamp”? “I didn’t even know I was getting this lamp and then it just showed up”.
Your heart hurts a little because YOU wanted a lamp…….you’ve downsized trying to pay for a new lamp, bargained with the lamp manufacturer, etc but nothing has happened. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! They didn’t even want a lamp but they still got one?
Then they say….”HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Just joking….thank goodness! *Phew* I really didn’t get a lamp. BWAH HA HA HAHA HA HA.”
Grrrr….Get me something to throw.
Is it bad to make April Fools jokes about getting pregnant? That isn’t for me to say….but I know it can hurt people. Just a thought….
On a completely unrelated note….I was just accepted by NASA to be an astronaut. #ShootForTheStars #IsThatTheMoon
Years ago I saw a documentary about people who believed they had come into contact with an alien life form. They were convinced that they had either seen an actual alien or had been abducted. The documentary followed an interviewer over the span of several years with one intent; to show that aliens existed and that we are not alone. He took the viewers on a journey from the most metropolitan areas to small villages that had little communication with the outside world.
During each segment, the interviewer allowed the person to talk freely and encouraged them to provide details about their experiences – what happened, what they saw, why they felt it was an alien, did they feel peace, did they feel danger, etc. These were people from every corner of the globe with no possible chance of ever having come into contact with each other. And every interview ended with one simple request “could you draw me a picture of what you saw”? Before the final credits rolled, the interviewer showed us the drawings…..one after another after another. And without fail, the pictures were almost identical.
How is that possible? Do aliens exist? I don’t know. But I do know that something incredible happened during that two hour documentary. While the interviewer was all about the aliens, bout the aliens (sorry Meghan Trainor), I couldn’t help but think there was something bigger than us drawing us together. How could people halfway across the world with nothing in common find, well, something in common?
Imagine them going back to their families/friends/co-workers to tell the tale of what they saw. I’d assume that they struggled to put it into words. They were probably ridiculed (publically or privately)…they were made to feel that they were crazy…that they didn’t see what they think they saw…..that no one else around them saw an alien, etc. It took a lot of guts to stand up and say “STOP. You aren’t gonna change my mind. I know what I saw.” There is strength in numbers …..so I bet they would have found comfort in meeting others just like them…others who saw and experienced the same thing.
Fast forward. In a previous post, I talked about going to the Gateway-Women’s retreat. I met women from every corner of the US who had never come into contact with each other. We had (right or wrong) felt ridiculed, sometimes felt crazy, etc. It took a lot of guts to stand up and say “STOP. I will NEVER stop thinking about my desire to be a mom…but I do want to see what’s on the other side of this grief.”
Similar to those who saw aliens, those of us who are childless live in every corner of the globe…..from the most metropolitan areas to small villages that have little communication to the outside world. It doesn’t make it ok…..but it sure as heck means that we are not alone.